Healing the Wounds that Anger Leaves Behind
Dr. Christiane Northrup
“Many women don’t know how to make use of their anger to improve their situation, so it simmers and festers, often manifesting as a health problem.”
Like all emotions, anger is part of our inner guidance system. Its energy is designed to mobilize us toward greater freedom and joy. But many women don’t know how to make use of their anger to improve their situation, so it simmers and festers, often manifesting as a health problem. My own story, which I tell in my book Mother-Daughter Wisdom, is a good example.
When I was 12, my mother was often absent from our home. My sister, Penny, was on her way to becoming a member of the U.S. Alpine Ski Team, and my mother drove her all over the Northeast for practice and competition. I was expected to cook dinner for my father and siblings and also keep the house neat. (My brothers weren’t expected to do any of the extra caretaking.) I resented this, but any bitterness I felt quickly went underground. Expressing it directly simply wasn’t safe, so it went into my body.
Another major issue was not getting recognition for who I really was: a scholar plunked down amid a sea of athletes! My desire for a quiet place to study wasn’t granted. So I learned to keep quiet, work in the midst of chaos, and get my need for attention and recognition from my teachers. Of course I had feelings about this, too.
Back then, along with millions of other adolescent baby boomer girls, I had no socially acceptable way to express my emotions, especially my anger. If you’d asked me if I were angry, I would have denied it. Anger wasn’t an emotion encouraged by my family. We did joy and happiness. Sadness was allowed and so was empathy. But anger – uh-uh.
The Body Speaks For You
During my teen years, I developed astigmatism and myopia and had to get glasses, even through no one else in the family had any vision problems. I had classic migraine headaches so severe that I was hospitalized for a week to rule out a brain tumor. I felt tired all the time, and I also developed plantar fasciitis, a very painful inflammation of the connective tissue on the soles of my feet – a condition related to fibromyalgia. Once I stated my period, my cramps were so bad that I often had to leave school. Years later when I became familiar with traditional Chinese medicine, I realized that every illness I experienced at that time was related to the liver meridian – the primary emotion of which is anger.
Up until midlife, I had no idea that I was still holding this childhood anger and resentment inside me. But there was no doubt about it. When I fist started to write about my adolescent health problems, I developed a bright red, flaky rash on my throat, chest, ears, scalp, and back of my neck that went on for many months. Steroid cream worked temporarily, but the rash came back, and I decided I didn’t want to keep suppressing whatever was trying to get my attention. So I just let it work its way out, all the while remaining open to the message it had for me.
Skin rashes are the body’s way of trying to build up armor or protection. They also represent irritation and anger just below the surface. Around the same time, I also started to have the eye symptoms that were the prodrome for my migraines – it became obvious to me that my usual defenses were weak, and that my childhood anger was right beneath the surface.
Let Go of Old Beliefs
In the months that followed, I experienced firsthand the best kind of midlife healing – when you examine your maternal legacy and put to rest the indoctrination that no longer serves you. Those old resentments were now free to go and would no longer be adversely affecting my health! I gave myself permission to explore my anger, felt it fully, and eventually released it. A big part of this process involved using forgiveness and other affirmations consciously. (I didn’t do an archeological “dig” to actively dredge up the old emotions. They come up by themselves when you make up your mind to move forward in life!) I experienced those longtime bottled-up emotions wit ha great deal of intensity, but it was tempered by an adult perspective and understanding. I now had the ego strength and skills to see things differently.
I had compassion for myself for shouldering my mother’s responsibilities while she was away from the family. But at the same time, I was also able to see the needs of the rest of my family members wit a wider vision, especially my mother, who also felt trapped in the traditional “mom” role. I also came to see how beautifully my upbringing had prepared me for my work in the world – when you’re a surgical resident, no one cares about your need for rest, quiet, or rejuvenation. You must find the resources to keep going deep inside or you. And you must trust that they’re there! Carving out my own path in childhood helped me do this.
Anger Can Mobilize You
When all is said and done, disappointments and anger are essential to strengthen our resolve and our will so that we develop what it takes to create our own heaven on earth. And that certainly beats the immobilizing emotions associated with helplessness, hopelessness, and depression. As one of my patients put it, “It took me a while, but I now embrace my anger, knowing that it’s always a message from my inner guidance system telling me that something needs to change. And sometimes that change is simply my perception about how things should be!”
The paradox is this: Thought a child thrives on recognition and will do whatever is necessary to get it, it’s not a parent’s job to fulfill all of her child’s desires or give her an ideal life. Instead, it’s the child’s job (and her job when she’s an adult) to figure out how to use her inner guidance to manifest what she wants. And what she wants may well be very, very different from what her family of origin wants! This will lead to anger to the extent that the child (or adult) is still operating under a belief that she is “owed” a certain kind of lie.
Usually anger is a cover-up for sadness. And it’s normal to be unhappy when you’re feeling disappointed, left out, or not good enough. But as soon as your realize wheat you’re feeling and why, it’s time to muster up your own resources and take action to create circumstances that are different and better. (I also fully support the kind of parenting that acknowledges and validates the emotional needs of children, while not overindulging them!)
Resolve your anger
There isn’t a single human being who doesn’t have some old unfinished business from the past that involves anger and resentment. Many times you’ll need to remove yourself from the situation that’s causing you anger, much like the child who’s having a tantrum. With practice and intent, you’ll be able to name both the prompting event and the underlying message for the anger and then make necessary changes in your life.
Here’s my advice for dealing with anger so that it doesn’t become a health risk:
Get validation. When healing from a situation that’s making you angry, it’s important to have an outside party validate your perspective, especially if you’ve been taught that you don’t have a right to feel the way you do!
If you’re dealing with a good friend, it’s sometimes possible to talk through the problem that’s making you (or her) angry and resolve it. Several years ago, my friend Mona Lisa and I made plans to go to the beach together on Sunday afternoon. One of my husband’s friends decided to stop by for brunch, and my husband expected me to go. Instead of checking with Mona Lisa, I just invited her along to the brunch, assuming it would be fine. She was angry. I was also upset because she didn’t seem to understand my need (at that time) to please my husband. But we were able to talk it out and, as a result, arrived at a new level of honesty and mutuality in our relationship.
- Sometimes talking it out isn’t possible.
In my experience, the people we’re most angry with tend to be family members who are unwilling or unable to talk things through. In fact, very often it would be inappropriate - or counterproductive – to talk with this person. And that’s okay because you can still release the stored resentment and free yourself!
Here are some tips:
Write it out. Take a pen and a piece of paper and write down exactly what you’re angry about. You’d be amazed at how therapeutic this process is. This gets it “off your chest.”
Move it out. In addition to (or instead of) writing about your anger, move around the room with it. Yell it out. Exercise it out. Feel it moving. See how much energy is available to you. Keep moving until you feel a shift.
Ask for help. Anger and self-righteousness have a tendency to be sticky. They like to stay around and whisper that we’ve been victimized. In this situation, I suggest asking your Higher Power (or God, or however you see it) for guidance. Asking for assistance through prayer has helped me release anger many times. And it always works if I’m willing to give up being a victim.
- Understand the power of anger releasing.
Letting go of anger is self-renewing. The minute you commit to releasing anger and then actually doing it, you’ll change yourself. And the entire situation will also change.
In conclusion, please understand that the decision to release anger and resentment is often the most difficult thing you’ll ever do. So much in our society thrives on victimhood and the control it possesses. But when you release anger and move to forgiveness, you’re igniting spiritual dynamite that will blast you into a whole new life. Don’t underestimate its power.
"Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love. This is the eternal rule." ~ Gautama Buddha
Additional Resources:
Letting Go of Anger & Living Peacefully Again Self-Hypnosis CD
Rise Above Depression - Feel Free Again! Self-Hypnosis CD
Anger Management free report
"Choice-Making" - Self-Help Secrets Revealed article
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