Unmet Expectations - The Trojan Horse of Misery

Anger, fear, stress, disappointment, frustration, withdrawal, even high blood pressure; you'll find them all (and others) in the Trojan Horse of Misery called "unmet expectations". Unmet expectations make themselves known in these various, unhealthy ways and, possibly, some very unique ways in your own life. However they manifest, they're unproductive, harmful and cause a great deal of suffering. By understanding how to avoid unmet expectations, you can close the gate on this particular Trojan Horse and make positive changes in all your relationships. First, we have to be able to recognize unmet expectations. They can look very different in various situations.

A husband comes home after a long day at the office and explodes when his wife asks him to settle a squabble between their two children. He expects to have a few minutes to unwind, and she expects him to be more willing to help with the disciplining of their children. They both have reasonable expectations -- so what's the problem?

Harry and Michael are partners in a design firm that is meeting with a new and very important client. Harry only stayed in the meeting for the first ten minutes because he had scheduled another client for that morning as well. Later, during lunch, Michael was very withdrawn and obviously disappointed. Who was right and who was wrong in this situation?

Joan worked for two weeks putting together an ad package she was sure her boss would like. Since it was such a large project, she was pretty sure it was okay to let a few of her normal duties slide to the back burner while she pulled this package together. When she took the completed project to her boss, he spent more time criticizing her for dropping the ball lately than thanking her for her efforts on the ad package. Was she stuck in a thankless job with an uncaring boss, or was he expecting Joan to handle too much work in too little time?

All of the expectations mentioned above are pretty reasonable--so what went wrong? Communication is the missing component. None of these people clearly expressed their expectations to the other. They all assumed they were obvious and therefore "known." After all, isn't it reasonable to expect time to unwind when we come home from work or to receive help disciplining children? Didn't Harry KNOW how important this new client was to their firm? How could he have left without giving Michael the support he needed? Was Joan being irresponsible for dropping the ball on her usual duties? Didn't she realize this additional project would require some overtime? Was she not willing to put in extra hours? She'll never get that promotion if she isn't willing to work overtime occasionally.

In the first example, we have to ask ourselves, did the husband ever explain to his wife that he needed at least 30 minutes to relax, let-go of the job, and ground himself after fighting the commuter traffic before he has to put on his "father hat?" One could argue that if he hadn't, the wife still should have KNOWN he required this time. After all, it is only reasonable. The problem with this theory is the wife is usually pretty worn out by the end of the day and may be oblivious to the fact. There's a difference between knowing and being mindful. Remember the adage: Mind your manners? You were being told to REMEMBER your manners. There was an assumption that you already knew how to behave properly.

In the second example, a reasonable person may side with Michael. What was Harry thinking when he left such an important client for Michael to handle by himself? Let's look at some other possibilities. Did Michael communicate to Harry that he was afraid the client would ask some detailed questions about Harry's field of expertise? Did Michael let Harry know that he was hoping to show a strong, united front to this client? Did he advise Harry that the word on the street was that this client really wanted to be schmoozed and treated like a VIP by both partners? Michael may have felt all these things on some level, but it's possible even he wasn't clear as to what his exact expectations were. (Sometimes, vague feelings still surface as expectations). Looking at it from Harry's point of view, we may have seen how confident he was in Michael's ability to land this client. Without being clued in to the client's expectation of being treated as an important person, Harry's actions appear more as confident support for Michael than irresponsible behavior.

The third example comes with its own set of unique difficulties. The first two examples are about equal partners. The third example is about a boss and his employee. They both are still responsible for communicating their expectations, but the boss should have made sure Joan understood the new task was in addition to her regular duties and that overtime was authorized. When a change in her regular duties was expected, he should have made sure she was very clear on the change. Joan should have asked questions if she wasn't sure about how to accomplish everything expected in the time allowed. When an employee/employer relationship sours, it matters little who should have done what in hindsight. It IS possible for both people to be right AND wrong.

Think of a time in your own life when your expectations weren't met. Maybe it was by a parent, child, friend or neighbor. Ask yourself if you were clear about your expectations in your own mind. If you were, did you voice them to the other person or simply expect them to know? At the first sign of this communication breakdown, did you reconnect with that person and make sure your expectations were understood? Now, carefully examine your current situations and try to discover a potential communication breakdown. Can you change the potential unmet expectation by taking a few moments to clarify your expectations with the person involved?

The next time you discover yourself getting angry or any of the other feelings described, take a deep breath and make a quick check for unmet expectations. If you find any, take ownership of them. It's easier to control something you own. Assigning blame to the other person only sets you up for more unmet expectations. When you're willing to acknowledge your involvement in any communication breakdown and take a time-out to check for unmet expectations, you'll learn to create win-win situations in all your personal interactions.